me VS the train

The train comes every 2 minutes .. you can hear the echo of the hum through the empty dark tunnel. It the noise is so loud that covers all the other surrounding sounds . At that moment every day I got detached from my body and attached to a different reality and I could hear the voices in my head clearly and vividly whispering and muttering. Hurt and echoed trying to get out to the surface , they cry so loud until the train approaches and the sound of the moving engine and the rolling wheels are strongly heard. I wonder if the people around me can hear the voices in my head talking , I wonder if they understand their muttering , would they excuse me if they do. The train is approaching and the voices are clearer now, what would happen if this time I did it and I was not afraid, what would happen this time if I flew and divided into two, I want to see my body fly and slam through the train , will it hurt , will I vapor like dust, will I bleed or will the train smash me into pieces and smudge me on the walls as a piece of meat . That idea sexually arose me like getting high or being drunk, tingling in my body , would I vacuum my pieces with a vacuum machine and give it to the butcher as a gift . would I be able to feel my hand goes off and fly away. Will people catch it and kiss it the way they used to kiss it when it was attached to me. Will they scream, run away or will they understand that am following the call . Will they understand that I have to follow their orders I need to satisfy the beast in my head, I need to feed it to stay , I need them.
My body is paralyzed while the voices keep on weeping, the train comes in and I can’t see it …seeing it would drive me to reach my climax and leave me hanging there paralyzed waiting to be taken, my body is frozen but I can feel and see the blood running through my vain, I can feel my blood running through my five toe s congesting in one point running through my both legs to reach my thighs to reach my waist dances to my heart…(totom.. the sound of a beat coming from a machine ) one heart beat and one breath pushes it further….. it runs faster now divided to three parts my arms, hands, my fingers, the tips of my fingers, to my nails I feel that beat in my fingers, I breath .. another silent deep breath and I deliberately close my eyes, the train now is stopping in front of me I can’t see it I can only feel the air drifting on my face. I open my eyes, the voices seem so distant now that the stupid train driver opens the door and my feet push me in . Now I wait for the next time I wait for the train. Will i ever the courage to do it.